call me something dirty

My full-time job has really been an impediment to my blog and it’s high time that I reprioritize where I’m spending my time and energy. The good news is that it has thus far not been detrimental to my dating life, which is still going strong against my will and providing a steady stream of content.

Let’s call this one Jake. Jake is a grungy-handsome type, dirty but not unclean, a quintessential finance bro in his mid-30’s. We had great banter over text, probably because I exhibit some NY City finance bro characteristics myself, and decided to meet up one Thursday after work. I showed up to the bar 20 minutes late because I have hundreds of clothes, but never anything to wear, and found him already soused and seated at the bar. One look at him and he’s obviously going through a mid-life crisis, but given his lifestyle choices, it might be more like a 65%-through-life crisis. In fact, we weren’t even 10 minutes in when he informed me that he loves to party, does recreational drugs frequently, and all of his friend’s girlfriends hate him. These are the quality characteristics that I am looking for in a committed relationship. I would have typically made my grand escape after one happy hour drink with a character such as this, but his banter was holding up in person, and we were getting along.

When happy hour ended, and drinks suddenly became full price again, I recommended that we play pool at a pub close to my house- and convinced him to walk the 25 blocks in that direction. If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I’m a walker for a great multitude of reasons. It was when he stood up to go on this walk though, that I noticed something disorienting, and frankly… disturbing. He assumed a position wherein he hunched his shoulders, and his neck and head protruded forward, bobbing back and forth as he strode. I spent a few hours drawing this illustration for your reference:

Was I just being hypercritical? Was this a deformity? At least he was still taller than me while hunching over… that is a plus. His neck and head hopped and bopped all 25 blocks.

At the bar, we found the pool table already in use by a group of rowdy beer guzzlers, and so sat ourselves down at a little table in the corner. He started to grow on me (NOT LIKE THAT… yet) and before I knew it, hours had passed, and his chair, which had started the evening across from me, was at my immediate left. The conversation drifted to past funny dating stories, and I let slip that I had a blog where I chronicled some of my encounters. His smile vanished and he said something along the lines of – “If I ever found out a girl I was dating had a dating blog, that would be an immediate red flag, and I would probably never see her again”. I immediately backtracked and assured him that I would not be returning to my blogging ways. I meant it at the time, I really did… but then later that night he did something pretty spectacular, and now here I am.

We ended up finding our way to my bedroom after a few beers, door closed. In bed, I have found that some guys are talkers, while others are completely silent until they are finis. Some want you to talk, while others want you to shut the fuck up. He was somewhere in the middle, choosing to engage in light conversation. I played along and asked him to call me something dirty and demeaning. When I asked this question, I was expecting something along the lines of “you dirty slut” or “you whore”- the typical answers. Instead, Jake thought about it for a moment, and then leaned in close, whispering softly in my ear “you like that, you little retard?”

Stunned silence ensued.

My eyes must have gone blank while my mind was processing- this was not the answer that I had been expecting and I was thrown. He broke the silence by breaking out into laughter and immediately apologizing, confessing that he didn’t know what to say and thought that that would be funny. Oh- a comedian. I wasn’t entirely against it… I appreciate a lover who challenges me.

Jake- I’m still wondering to this day if this little retard liked that or not- and I hope that you never find out I wrote about you on the blog- and lastly that your neck is okay.

2 thoughts on “call me something dirty

  1. This was hilarious. Excellent post. Can’t imagine what dark corner of the mind “little retard” came from. Thank you for sharing Lisa. I look forward to hearing more of your stories. šŸ™


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s